Waiting for the End to Come

That's what it feels like. It is most definitely confirmed now, and as it is just a waiting game to find an appropriate placement... my veiws never really mattered... what else am I meant to feel? You try putting yourself in my place, if you can... you wouldn't be thrilled, would you? Even if you argue lots, you don't want them taken away so that they can only come back for organised *spit* VISITS. Home is not a place to VISIT. But of course, it won't BE her home any more... MOTHERFUCKING SOCIAL SERVICES ARE GOING TO STEAL HER FROM ME AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN MOTHERFUCKING DO BECAUSE I'M HER SISTER AND SO WHAT I THINK CAN'T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!!!

... JE POURQUOI?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY MOTHERFUCKING ME??????????????????

I know. I'm losing it with innocent, most-likely nice people reading my blog. But it's my release. My way of letting out the torturing, twisted up feelings of hatred inside of my chest. I can't hold them up in my chest (like I have lots of times before) because I'll explode again. I'll lie or curl up on the floor, scream, bite myself, hit things, kick things, headbutt things... and get a right royal telling off from the bastards at social motherfucking services for not being able to contain my anger and frustration. I'm not superhuman. I'm not wonderwoman. I'm not amazing. I am just... me. A loser with no self restraint, an angry teenager, a distraught sister... I am weak. No, don't look at me in that tone of voice. I'M WEAK. I'm weak and I MOTHERFUCKING KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I fucking don't. I don't like the reprimands. I don't like being told what people think what I should be and what I should do. Put in my situation, would you like it if everyone was a critic and told you to do your best at school, put your 98% IQ to the test and get a sheet of good grades.

I DON'T MOTHERFUCKING CARE ABOUT SCHOOL!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT DOING WELL!!!!!!! I DO CARE ABOUT HAVING MY FAMILY, MY STRONGHOLD, IN ONE FUCKING PEICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course, I can't have that. I can't have the little that I do ask for. I can't have what nearly every child can take for fucking granted.  WHY?

BECAUSE LIFE FUCKING HATES ME!!!!!!!!!