OH MY GOD!

This is something that my internet friends have been working on (from what phoenix said) for over a year. I just recived it in an email!The strange thing was that I had JUST left fandom!!! This is what makes me apreciate my internet friends as I do.

Ambinoggos, Quaxorascal,Rumpleteaser, Lininaiasha,  Fantasia, Jemiteaser, Aloni - and of COURSE - Phoenix - You are the best friends that anybody, or any jellicle, for that matter, could ask for. (and anyone that I may have missed)

I just love everything about it. The quotes, the images - Li, you HATE Star Wars, but did a pic for it. I am so close to crying, I am just SO shocked!I had no idea!

*lays out feast for the net frineds*

THREE (hundered) CHEERS FOR THE WORLD'S GREATEST INTERNET FRIENDS TO HAVE EVER EXISTED!

(Cats is the main fandom, and Caramella is the name that I was known as)

Au reviour...

Well... that hurt. I've just kissed goodbye to the CATS fandom. It had to happen, but that doesn't stop the hurt. By the way... those of you on fanfiction.net... I'm now Mad Kat the Pineapple. And i'm in the process of publishing a songfic - evanescence's bring me to life, for those of you that care.

and again, my fucking depression. GET OUT OF MY HEAD JUSTIN!!!!!

Merci Pour Le VENIN!

What's the worst thing I can say?

Things are better if I stay!

...So long... and goodnight...

...So long... and goodnight...

I should have been okay yesterday. It was my litlle sister's birthday. My big sister came back for the party.

BUT I WASN'T.

AND I'M NOT OKAY TODAY.

I've given up

I'm sick of living

Is there nothing you can say?

Take this all away

I'm suffocating

Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

Justin, my neverending depression, always stabs me in the back when I expect him the least.

Please, give me the mercy of my premature death. I tried to end it, I want the end, I swear. But I can't have, apparently. Ok, here we, none of us were expecting THIS quote...

You'll never make me leave

I wear this on my sleeve

Give me a reason to beleive

So gimme all your poison

And gimme all your pills

And gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ill!

You're running after something that you'll never kill

If this is what you want then FIRE AT WILL!!!

Please...somebody help me... anybody...

I have had a terrible day. And yesterday was horrible too.

Please people, I'm going insane. I'm going COMPETELY CRAZY.

Saturday, I completely broke. I resorted to send begging texts to my friend, 'Help me'.

Today, I'm doing just as bad.

Okay, what went wrong today?

At my CAMHS meeting I got into an arguement with my CAMHS worker Emma

I only held it together enough to attend one lesson today

My little sister broke out of the house and my mum and I had to run after her

My little sister got into my room and caused havoc in there, making a tip of it

Justin, my depression, makes me feel like committing suicide

NO... NOTHING WENT MOTHERFUCKING WRONG TODAY, NOTHING AT ALL...

I've actually cried a few times today. I cannot stress what an achivement that that is. I struggle to cry. It kind of clarifies how fucking rotten and depressed and worthless I feel...

Sorry. It doesn't help that Tammy leaves for Maurino in less than a month. She's already had a teatime visit. She seemed to enjoy it there. But every moment I see her... it's a reminder...

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

I CANNOT FUCKING STOP IT.

MY WORLD IS ENDING.

And nobody can save the tiny little girl stuck in the chokehold from her nightmares.

...So long... goodnight...

...So long... goodnight...

An idea I had...

I wrote down most of my feelings and dressed them up in the form of a song-fic this afternoon. Okay, it's Star Wars, and it's about Anakin, but it says all that needs to be said.

Here's the link! ~ http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7392180/1/Im_Not_Okay

Please let me know what you think! I plan on writing for a living when I leave school, so I hope that people like it! Thing is, it took a while, but I'm not feeling too bad now that I've done it. Sorry, I've seen all three prequels in two days, they're fresh in mind!

BTW - Waaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My fave charrie (Kit Fisto) dies in the third!!!! And for anyone that reads it, please note - I don't like the KitAayla pairing. I just used it to make the story and song fit.

Anyway - did this fit? Let me know!

You KNOW what they do to guys like us in prizon

But nobody cares if you're losing yourself - AM I LOSING MYSELF!?!!
Oh, I miss my mom!
Will they give me the chair?
Or a lethal injection?
Or a swing from the rope IF YOU DARE!!!
Oh, nobody knows, ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE SEEN!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, You know what they do.....

Yeah.... I quote that bit a LOT. But it's how I feel. That's all I need to say, because I just HAVE these irrational feelings that the world is after me and they will kill me when they get me... I can't "Keep Running" forever...

I'm Not Okay. You Wear Me Out.

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

I think that I'll simply post my feelings in song lyrics... you should get the gist...

If you marry me,

Would you bury me?

Would you carry me to the end?

 ~  My Chemical Romance, To The End

But nobody cares if you're losing yourself -

AM I LOSING MYSELF?

Oh, I miss my mom!

Will they give me the chair?

Or a lethal injection?

Or a SWING FROM THE ROPE IF YOU DARE!!!

OH, NOBODY KNOWS, ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE SEEN!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prizon

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?

I've told you time and time again, you sing the words, but don't know what it means

To be a joke and look

Another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook

For the last time - TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

I'm okay

I'M OKAY!!!!

I'M OKAY NOW!!!

But you REALLY need to listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth

I mean this - I'M OKAY!

Trust me

I'M NOT OKAY

I'M NOT OKAY

NO, I'M NOT OKAY,

I'M NOT O - FUCKING - KAY!!!

I'M NOT OKAY

I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

He calls the mansion not a house but a tomb

He's always choking from the stench and the fume

The wedding party all collapsed in the room

SO SEND MY RESIGNATION TO THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, To The End

You're just a sad song with nothing to say

About a life long wait for a hospital stay

And if you think that I'm wrong

This never meant nothing to ya

~ My Chemical Romance, Disenchanted

Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand

And wouldn't it be great if we were dead?

~My Chemical Romance, Dead!

So darken your clothes

Or strike a violent pose

Maybe they'll leave you alone

BUT NOT ME!

~ My Chemical Romance, Teenagers

When I grow up, I want to be

NOTHING AT ALL!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, The End.

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams

YOUR MISERY AND HATE WILL KILL US ALL!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, Welcome to the Black Parade

I DON'T CARE!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, Welcome to the Black Parade

Sister, I'm not much a poet but a criminal

And you never had a chance

~My Chemical Romance, Thank You for the Venom

Love it or leave it -

YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND!!!

~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

I WOULDN'T FRONT THE SCENE IF YOU PAID ME!!!

~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

You'll never make me leave

I wear this on my sleeve

You wanna follow something?

GIVE ME A BETTER CAUSE TO LEAD!!!

Just give me what I need

GIVE ME A REASON TO BELIEVE!!!!!!!

~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

So gimme all your poison

And gimme all your pills

And gimme all our hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!

You're running after something that you'll never kill

If this is what you want then FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

I'm Not O - FUCKING - KAY!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

What I'm having right now is a bitter taste-test of the future. With Ellie off at College already, any time that Tammy is taken into respite, I get a bitter taste-test of what is to come.It hurts. Every time that I see her is a painful reminder that time is ticking away and it's only a matter of time before she's stolen for good, and every time that she's not there... it's like she's already left. And n matter what, there's still the burning question in my heart and constantly on my mind.

Why me?

Everyone says that I have to look at it as it's the best thing for her, that I should put my studies first and care about a the future. But to me, the future doesn't exist. All that lies ahead is further blood, sweat, tears, heartbreak and regrets of how  i could have fought harder, I could have kept her. But there's always the future, apparently, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, there just HAS TO BE! Well fuck you. Somebody go fuck life. I don't give a fuck about what HAS TO BE, because guess what, I once believed that. I once believed in God. I once believed that there was a way out, and if I tried hard enough, I'd find the exit. Well... it didn't happen. Enough people have thrown all of their venomous lies at me, so here's the open invitation - FINISH ME OFF!!! Here's a few quotes from the best band to ever exist, just to sum up how I feel.

So gimme all your poison
And gimme all your pills
And gimme all your hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!!!!!
You're running after something that you'll never kill
If this is WHAT YOU WANT then FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, Thank You for the Venom

But nobody cares if you're losing yourself -
AM I LOSING MYSELF?!?!!!
Oh I miss my mom!
Will they give me the chair?
Or a lethal injection?
Or a swing from a rope if you DARE!
Oh, nobody knows, ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE SEEN!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, You know what they do to guys like us in prison

I'm okay
I'M OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm okay now
I'M OKAY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you REALLY NEED TO LISTEN TO ME
BECAUSE I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH
I MEAN THIS - I'M OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trust me -
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!
NO, I'M NOT OKAY
I'M NOT O - FUCKING - KAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

Would you carry me to the end?

~ My Chemical Romance, To The End

I don't care how much you'll invest yourself in me
We're not working out
And you won't keep my brother
And you won't fuck my friends

~ My Chemical Romance, Honey, This mirror isn't big enough for the two of us

And someone save my soul tonight,
Please save my soul

~ My Chemical Romance, Vampires will never hurt you

And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust
Just think happy thoughts
And we'll fly home

~ My Chemical Romance, Headfirst for Halos

Things and Stuffs...

Gah! WHY THE FUCKING HELL CAN'T PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna rant here slightly... a few days ago somebody asked me if I was keeping up the 'emo look'. I AM NOT EMO!!! JUST BECAUSE I LISTEN TO MCR DOES NOT MAKE ME AN EMO!!!!!!!!! MCR IS NOT EMO!!! I DIDN'T START SELF-HARMING UNTIL THE SUMMER, AND SO HOW THE HELL WAS I AN EMO BEFOREHAND?!?!!!!!!!! FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that... had to get that out of my system...

Another apology to make. My scanner is broken. I have lots and lots of stuff to scan in, including a request peice, but until that is fixed, I can't put anything on. Really sorry, particularly Kalli.

Another thing... would anybody be offended if I put drawings of cherubims of the site when my scanner is fixed? Cherubims are the little naked baby angels metioned in the bible, and I'm in the process of doing MCR in that style (Ray and Gerard complete, Mikey and Frank to go). You don't see anything innapropriate (thier gentitals) - I'm darwing them with either thier backs turned or carefully placed instruments.

On the subject of angel drawings, I'm also doing MCR as adult angels, (Gerard and Mikey complete, Ray in the process and Frank to go). I'm also doing them as pony-corns (little unicorns), and a few other celebs... (Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Jared Leto and Amy Lee complete, Ray Toro, Frank Iero, Hayley Williams and a few others to go).

That's roughly it.. I think...

Merci Pour le Venim

Again - that's french for 'Thank You for the Venom'. I'm listening to that on repeat, because right now... it's the best comfort that I have. Music is my best friend, and I feel fairly confident that it's true. Music can reach you and heal your heart, and the bands can be there for you without actually being there. Why so much right now? Well - for starters - Ellie's gone. She's off at Oakwood Court College, and I won't see her again until the october half term. As for Tammy... Mum goes off to visit the place that they want to take her. Tomorrow.

So gimme all your poison,
And gimme all your pills
And gimme all your hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!!!!
You're running after something that you'll never kill
If this is what you want, then FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!!

Preach all you want but who's gonna save me?

Love it or leave it - you can't understand!

Love is the red rose on your coffin door
What's life like bleeding on the floor?

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something?
Give me a better cause to lead!
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to BELIEVE!!!

Sister, I'm not much a poet but a criminal
and you never had a chance

I wouldn't front the scene if you PAID ME
I'm just the way that the doctor MADE ME

Hallelujah - LOCK AND LOAD!!!

All of those are quotes from my beloved Thank You for the Venom, and I mean every word. If I ever get fortunate enough to meet My Chemical Romance, as I pray and dream of (It's the only fragile dream that I truly have left), then I would call it a responsibility to tell them at least a fraction of what they mean to me... not that meeting them will ever happen. I'm not that lucky. Life hates me, remember? But still... I can dream...

"So gimme all your poison, and gimme all your pills, and gimme all your hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!"

~ My Chemical Romance, Thank You for the Venom

I guess that I'd better explain myself. I talk of music in such a loving, devoted manner (I think), but I never really say why. I've never said why depressing music keeps me within the furthest realms of sanity. Why I love My Chemical Romance in the way that I do. Well, maybe I've tried to with the latter, but I guess that anyone who reads my blog may be a tad confused and think "Surely depressing music only makes you feel worse..."

Well, it depends on which side of the coin that you're looking at. Yes, depressing music can mke a sad person sadder. It can push some people over the edge. On the flipside, however, depressing music can hold some people together. Like I've said before, Ray is the only member of the four My Chemical Romance members that didn't take drugs or battle an alcohol addiction. Chester Bennington, like I've said before, battled a raging alcohol addiction and struggled. Dave Grohl struggled as his friend and band member, Kurt Cobain, ended his pain and life, but then went of to form the AMAZINGLY popular Foo Fighters, whom are globally loved today. (R.I.P. Kurt, love you) Hayley Williams, as I think I've said before, was picked on badly at school (for her immensely attractive ginger hair, I'd guess) but has now only a few short years later gone on to be the extremely popular Paramore. What is the similar theme among all of these? THEY STRUGGLED. THEY THEN MADE IT OUT.

That's why I love it. I'm struggling. THEY HAD IT ROUGH TOO. Most importanlty...

THEY MAKE ME FEEL UNDERSTOOD.

Sorry, it's not as long as I'd planned, I've gotta get back to packing... D:

My Last Day in Wales

As the title says, this is my last night here, and tomorrow I go home. The day started ok - auntie bobbi needed to go to the doctors, and so did Tempy, and so Melody and I went too, and so shopping followed afterwards. The main highlight was when we couldn't put Tempy's buggy down, and so we had to call uncle Mikey to ask how to do it.

When we got back, it meanmt another trip out, this time to Aberdare, instead of Abercynon, and I must admit, it a was pretty boring there. This evening, however, my aunt and I dyed my hair. Bye bye brunette - I now have a head of BLACK HAIR, and it actually suits me! Overall then, a good day, a good week, and I'm slightly sad that I'm going home tomorrow.

Just a couple of things...

I got a new haircut in Wales! LOVE IT, it's a lot shorter than it was and my fringe's sorted out.

I took Melody down the park, which she loved, even though she didn't like the sweets that I brought and was a tad upset that I couldn't buy her an icecream... and didn't want to leave.

Other than that... fairly uneventful, from my perspective, anyway... but I loved it just the same.