Why me?

This is the question that persistently spins around in my mind.

Why does it have to be my family that has the threat of being ripped apart?

Why do my treasured net friends ask me to lie to myself in order to get better, as I know that I have tried that before and know that it has never worked for me?

Why do I have to be the one that has the threat of anaemia, because I cannot make myself eat properly because of my depression?

Why do I have to have these feelings in the first place?

Why can I not kill myself correctly?

Why have I had this confusion of my sexuality since I was 11?

Why was I the victim of bullying so much?

Why do I always have the feeling that nobody will ever truly understand me?

Why do I always hfeel like I have a sign over my mouth that says 'Piss here for free'?

Why do I feel so hopelessly lost?

What did I do to deserve all of this?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MOTHERFUCKING ME?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not fair.

I hate my life.

I want to die.

Why can't I be the one that comes out victorious for once?

... hang on... I already know the answer to that...

Life hates me. Everything hates me. Social services hate me. I hate me. It wouldn't surprise if the person reading this hates me. There's just all of this agony locked up in my heart and I simply cannot release it. I sometimes try to kid myself into thinkig that somehow, someday, a Prince Charming will come dashing out of nowhere, take me onto his noble steed and carry me off into the sunset... but things like that never happen to me. They don't happen in the REAL world, the world that I hate, the world that I want to escape so desperately but that sands of time will not permit me to.

Pourquoi?

Why?

Tears are building up inside of me but I find it so hard to physically cry... I just want salvation. I want justice, I want to feel like somebody loves me, I want to feel like I am understood.... but me being me, that will never happen because life hates me. I try to do the world a favour, I try to remove my presence from it... but it refuses to let me.

Why can't I be granted the mercy of death?

In my darkest hour of complete hopelessness, I am still forced to live. That is, live in the physical sense. I died inside a long time ago. I was, and still am, weak in both emotion and physical state. I hate my life... fuck it, I don't just hate MY life, I hate life ITSELF.

Some lucky bastards don't know what pain is. They go through life with a silver spoon in their mouths and scorn at those who feel pain because they view them as 'less important'. And then there are people like me... people who can remember nothing but despair... because there is nothing else to remember. It's not fair. Why me?

In the words of System of a Down, Chop Suey! ~ Why have you forsaken me? In your eyes forsaken me? In your thoughts forsaken me? In your heart forsaken me?

Hang on... I already know the answer to that, don't I? GOD HATES ME. EVERY FUCKING ONE AND THING HATES ME AND I HATE THEM FOR THAT!!!

But at the same time... I never want anyone elese to ever feel as reomtely crap as I do, and have done, all through since this year began. I'm filled with such intense confusion that I don't know how to take it. I cn't lie to myself, because I never fool myself... every time I kid myself into thinking that I'm getting better, I fall further than I was before. I can't ever express it... if I were to remove the many million masks that I wear... it would destroy me. Does anyone understand that I am where I am know and that there IS NO MOTHER FUCKING SALVATION, SO STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OF IT!!!!!!!! IT MOTHERFUCKING PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!