The cousin has come to stay!!!!

DA DA DA DA!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiren has come around to stay, and I haven't seen him since before I created this blog!

Kiren is four, five in feburary, and loves 'Gerry Berry' and 'My My' - our nicknames for Gerard-Ray and Mikey-Frank! Ha!

Nothing else really to say...

No, I'm Not Okay, I'm REALLY not okay!

~ MCR, I'm Not Okay (Edit for TV)

No, Nothing's happened since I last blogged, babes, nothing at all. *note the obvious sarcasm*

Well, Tammy's gone now. All those LONG, HEARTBREAKING EIGHT MONTHS FOR MOTHERFUCKING NOTHING...

The most heartbreaking part? She didn't wanna go. We tried to make the morning as normal as possible. We told her that is would be 'school-mourino-sleep', and even wrote that on the calendar. She crossed it off the calendar. She screamed. She threw herself on the floor.

I had to pretty much carry her out to the school bus. By the time I'd gotten back to the house, with the knowlege that she was NOT coming back... i broke into complete hysteric tears. My parents didn't send me into school that day. They saw no point.

It was a 20km sponsored walk today, raisng money for the crap school that I go to... I raised £40. Some literally raised £2. I have blisters on my feet from it, and my ankles ACHE.

The highlight of the walk, however, came little before or after half way. One of the marshals - I think that it's the 'Gillian' that Amber had told me about multiple times - said something along the lines of

"I like her. She's wearing a black veil brides shirt."

I smiled *a VERY rare achievement!* and said

"I have an MCR hoody in my bag" and got it out.

*all marshals cheered*

Gillian, as I think that she was, then said, noticing my difficluties in contiuing then said something along the lines of

"Kathy, just think - Gerard Way is waiting back at school, NAKED!"

I couldn't help but smile, despite the pain!

Finally! The Article!

AT LAST! I CAN PUT UP MY LETTER THAT KERRANG! PRINTED!

Well... it's on that bit of card and I wroted on it.

I'm sorry that you can't read it. It reads;

HI KERRANG! I'd like to thank every single one of you people at Kerrang! for providing me with the music that has saved my life - repeatedly! I've had non-clinical depression recently, and music has been on of the things that has made my life worth living. My all-time favourite band is My Chemical Romance, and so when my rabbit died and I got two guinea pigs, guess what I called them? Gerard-Ray and Mikey-Frank!Life was tough before at home, but now my family are starting to like my music - my dad, younger autistic sister ad I all sing along to MCR and even my nan is coming to know that bands that I talk about! I regularly argue with one friends about who would win in a wrestling match out of MCR and Avenged Sevenfold, and with another friend I can have converstions literally three hours long about purely MCR! All I really want to say is thank you to everyone at Kerrang!, Thank you a thousand times over.

KAT, DEVON

Hello Kat! We're really glad to hear that your family are sharing your love of music, and we look forward to introducing you to many more bands in the future. Enjoy spending your £50 Zavvi voucher on some new CDs, and please pass on a big hello to Gerard-Ray and Mikey-Frank - possibly the smallest Killjoys in the world!

AND I GOT A VOUCHER! WOOT!

The funny thing is, I probably never would have been able to get either Three Cheers or I Brought You My Bullets without the voucher, as I couldn't find them ANYWHERE, so I would never have learned of my fave song, Thank You For The Venom! UNTHINKABLE! Thankies Kerrang! Love you lots!

... Bobbie Lane, thank you for sending me my voucher code, but it's KAT, not KATHLEEN! GRRR!

Here2Help

This site was created by somebody I know.

 http://smileagain.yolasite.com/

It talks about mental illness, and raises awareness of both depression, other mental illnesses and self hraming. Only the latter effects me, truthfully, but these are mtters that need focusing on and the light shone on a little more. PLEASE PUBLICISE IT!!!

Blurry tearless eyes...

What... Wha..?

Just when I think that I know what's going on in my life, something changes and turns that all upside down again.

Just when I'd thought I'd reached the bottom... I'm dying again...

~ Evanescence, Going Under

Okay, I guess I'd better explain myself. I thought that I knew when my sister was being taken away. The Friday of the school half term.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, The social worker had to turn all of that upside down, didn't she? It now gets sped up to NEXT FUCKING WEDNESDAY!

Invisible tears fall down my cheeks, shall I say.  I can't cry. I can't let out my feelings.

I know it's unhealthy. I just can't cry.

I tried to step my self harming up a gear this morning. I tried to use the knives in the kitchen. THEY WERE ONLY FUCKING BLUNT!!! They only left pressure marks on my skin.

I told my mum and family's social worker. Their joint reaction? GOOD!

NO IT'S FUCKING NOT, LIKE EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

I hate my life. Every time something good happens, another hundered bad overpower it.
It's not fair. 

Revenge. Oh, revenge would be so FUCKING SWEET. THREE CHEERS FOR SWEET, SWEET REVENGE, if it could ever be mine. Revenge to match the heartbreak. Revenge, avenge the death of my innocent, tearstained spirit. Avenge MY GHOST, for internally, I was murdered so long, long ago, little more than a child, mourning the childhood that I never had.

There's just a numb, dull, literal ache in my chest where my heart should be. But it's not there. I'm soulless. Scarred. Tearstained. Forgotten.

I'll conclude with a quote from the best band to have ever existed (My Chemical Romance), and my favourite song (Thank You For The Venom).

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Ya wanna follow something?
Give me a better cause to lead!
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to believe...

When both our Worlds collide

~ I know, I changed some of the words from MCR's Helena. So shoot me. I had to come up with a title.

Oh my lord peoples, it has been chaotic since I last posted! The gig was AMAZING, and I went to my first ever mosh pit!

Also... to explain this blog title... think of what I usually am. The lowest of the lowlives. (or so it seems).

Even in the most crap of lives, some good things can happen.

Think of the Yashin frontman. (Damn, I don't even know his name! that's embarrassing)

Rockstar.

All Time Loser.

I touched the frontman. I know it sounds silly, but to me, it was a collision of worlds. This few moments that I was touching his forearm, caught up in the centre of the moshpit, was amazing. That was the one night when I felt significant. Like it didn't matter who or what I was, and that I had to have no alibis or excuses for what I am. I felt... like I mattered, and I was actually a somebody, like I belonged somewhere. Thank you My Passion, Yashin and Black Veil Brides. YOU ROCK!!!

Here come the Brides!

IT'S TOMORROW!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Tomorrow, I am going to go to my first gig EVER and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!

The doors to the exeter lemon grove open at 7.00pm, and the gig starts at 7.30pm. Me and dad have standing tickets!

I don't exectly know when the gig ends, but I know that they have two support bands playing first (My Passion and Yashin). I CAN'T WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIG SHOUTS!

Today has been.. so so. Okay, I guess.

Requested BIG SHOUTS out to Billy Everleigh, Alice 'The Beast' Reading, Sam 'COD' Bennett, Callum 'Dick' Isaac, 'Small Ben' Powell and Ellie Stone!

Not much else to say really...

Hell is a place on earth (in my life)

Yep. I meant what I just said there. I'm gonna need my new MCR hoody to cling to, the 'Black Parade' hoody I got yesterday. (I lie, I got it second hand in a charity shop, it's not new, but it's new to me)

Only MY LITTLE SISTER would be the one to run away on carnival night. She managed to cover several miles in that half hour, verus my two and a bit. WE ONLY HAD TO CALL THE POLICE OUT!!! I'm not afraid to admit that all the while I was chanting,

"Tamzin you're a pain in the arse, pain in the arse, pain in the arse

Tamzin you're a pain in the arse,

Yes oh yes you are!"

And the frustration (and pain in my ankle) caused me to start self harming again. I've had depression ALL DAY TODAY! MEH! JUSTIN GO FUCK OFF OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!