Caerdydd!!! (at least, I think that's how it's spelt...)

I just had a visit to Cardiff today! For those of you that don't know a single crumb of welsh... the title was 'Cardiff' in welsh... think that's how it's spelt, anyway... And this is the closest that I could get the the flag in writing...

Anywhoooo..... Cardiff = AWESOME!!!! I had a great day out, with my aunt, uncle, and cousins Temperance and Melody. I had some spending money, and so bought a couple of things for other people (and a few things with others in mind), and bought some things for myself (and had a few things bpought for me). I am now the proud owner of the 30 seconds to Mars This Is War and the All Time Low Dirty Work albums. And an All Time Low poster (I didn't see any MCR ones D:) I'm slightly pleased with myself as Melody seemed to be happy with the Zingzillas Puzzles that I bought her, and the Hello Kitty inflatable that I bought for all of my cousins to share. Also, I'm lead to believe that my dad will be verrrrry happy with some of the earrings that I got, and think that he shall be borrowing the skull pair a fair bit (with me consent, of course!)

Only one low spot. I'm a little bit annoyed by this. One thing about me - I'm a vegetarian that HATES mayonnaise. But when we went to burger king for lunch, and ordered one of the exceptionally few things that they served that was vegetarian, they drowned the filling in it! They didn't even bother to ask if I wanted it! Normally, even the smell of mayo makes me feel sick! Gah... oh well... c'est la vie...you can't have a completely perfect day... Still brilliant though!

Aloha from WALES!!!!!!!!!

*skids in sideways, crashes on face*

I IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I wasn't expecting to be able to blog this week, because I is with me family is WALES!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! A whole week of screaming from me darling Melody, Rhonda, Bethany and baby Temperance!!!!!!! Nah, they're angels really.

There isn't much to say really, apart from I AM LOVIN IT HERE!!!! Off to a trip to Cardiff tomorrow, can't wait!I was in Pontypridd earlier, which was cool, had some fun going shopping with my auntie Bobbi and cousin Melody. It was slightly cute yesterday - mum called us and siad how tammy had asked for Kathy and wanted nan to go back to wales! AWW!!!!!!

Thank You For The Venom

Yeah. The title says a lot. Like I've said before, nothing in my life is certain. Take what just happened over the course of today and yesterday - mum was rushed nto A&E again, and now they say it's NOT a heart condition, but they don't know what it is. WHAT THE FUCK???

Now, most people who know me, know that my favourite song is MCR's Welcome to the Black Parade, and my fave album is the album it came from, The Black Parade. Well, it was. Four of my zavvi CDs came today, one of them being Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. I already knew three of the tracks of the album - I'm Not Okay, Helena and Ghost of You. OH MY FUCKING GOD. The album is amazing! Anyway, that's my new favourite album, but my new favourite song I haven't mentioned yet. It's one of thier songs that isn't so widely sung about.

So gimme all your poison

and gimme all your pills

and gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ILL!

You're running after something that you can never kill

if this is what you wanted

THEN FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!

For anyone that didn't know the quote, that was from my new favourite song, Thank You For The Venom. I've said it before, I'll say it again - it's amazing how I can relate to the pain of smebody I've never met, and how they can write down the exact same emotions that you feel. Then again... I have been through some of the same things that they have. The album is dedicated to Elena Lee Rush - Gerard and Mikey's Grandmother. The distress her death gave them lead them to thier drinking and drug addictions (something I have not got, but then again, with what I already have, I REALLY don't need that on top of it!) Idon't know if I've mentioned this on my bog before, but this year my family remembered this 5th anniversary of my grandfather's death. From what I know, and please don't qoute me on this, because I'm not certain, Frank's parent's split up when he was young. Umm... I know it's not quite the same, but my family is being broken apart by the bastards of social services. It's only a couple of things, but we (kind of) share the heartbreak, we're in the same boat, so to speak, (at least, I think) because of some of things that we've both been through.

Right now I've been clinging to music because it's all I've got left, well, that and Kerrang! magazines... the latest issue's quiz competitors were... wait for it... RAY TORO AND FRANK IERO!!!!! They got a pretty good score- 10 out of 15! Thing was... they play in the uk a fair bit, but they didn't know that the british call a sidewalk a 'PAVEMENT'! That made me smile. That and 1. Not knowing a lyric by the band Gerard's wife plays in and 2. NOT KNOWING HOW MANY KERRANG! AWARDS THEY HAD WON!!!!! I was giggling my way through it! But no denying it, Ray was the brainbox!!!!

Waiting for the End to Come

That's what it feels like. It is most definitely confirmed now, and as it is just a waiting game to find an appropriate placement... my veiws never really mattered... what else am I meant to feel? You try putting yourself in my place, if you can... you wouldn't be thrilled, would you? Even if you argue lots, you don't want them taken away so that they can only come back for organised *spit* VISITS. Home is not a place to VISIT. But of course, it won't BE her home any more... MOTHERFUCKING SOCIAL SERVICES ARE GOING TO STEAL HER FROM ME AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN MOTHERFUCKING DO BECAUSE I'M HER SISTER AND SO WHAT I THINK CAN'T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!!!

... JE POURQUOI?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY MOTHERFUCKING ME??????????????????

I know. I'm losing it with innocent, most-likely nice people reading my blog. But it's my release. My way of letting out the torturing, twisted up feelings of hatred inside of my chest. I can't hold them up in my chest (like I have lots of times before) because I'll explode again. I'll lie or curl up on the floor, scream, bite myself, hit things, kick things, headbutt things... and get a right royal telling off from the bastards at social motherfucking services for not being able to contain my anger and frustration. I'm not superhuman. I'm not wonderwoman. I'm not amazing. I am just... me. A loser with no self restraint, an angry teenager, a distraught sister... I am weak. No, don't look at me in that tone of voice. I'M WEAK. I'm weak and I MOTHERFUCKING KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I fucking don't. I don't like the reprimands. I don't like being told what people think what I should be and what I should do. Put in my situation, would you like it if everyone was a critic and told you to do your best at school, put your 98% IQ to the test and get a sheet of good grades.

I DON'T MOTHERFUCKING CARE ABOUT SCHOOL!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT DOING WELL!!!!!!! I DO CARE ABOUT HAVING MY FAMILY, MY STRONGHOLD, IN ONE FUCKING PEICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course, I can't have that. I can't have the little that I do ask for. I can't have what nearly every child can take for fucking granted.  WHY?

BECAUSE LIFE FUCKING HATES ME!!!!!!!!!

ZAVVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAZ SPENT ME VOUCHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*FORCES CALM* Anywhooo... I have bought...

My Chemical Romance - I brought you bullets, you brought me your love (something like that, could not find it ANYWHERE!!!)

My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge (I HAVE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG AND COULDN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Linkin Park - Minutes to Midnight (see footnote above)

Paramore - Riot!

Foo Fighters - Wasting Light (a pressie for Mrs Lawrence)

Black Veil Brides - Set The World on Fire

Bowling for Soup... I can't remember what ones, but two of them, to keep me and dad dueting 195 and girl all the bad guys want!

Sorry I wasn't on yesterday, people, I would normally have been, but my internet spazzed up. But my uncle's fixed it now, and I can post again, and let out my feelings.

It really IS all over now. My mum's heart condition, Troponin T Negative Acute, means that mum can't fight like she was going to. In short, we HAVE to call out surrender. The bastards have won.

One final fight for this tonight

(woah)

With knives and pens we made our phlight

Black Veil Brides, Knives and Pens.

That was our final fight. No more, Tammy goes into residential education. Because I'm the SISTER, not the PARENT, I never really got a voice in it. MY VEIWS NEVER MATTERED! IT'S ONLY MY LIFE THAT THEY'VE FUCKED UP!

Oh well, it's too late now, it's all over.

So much for Never Give In (also BVB)

Never give in, Never back down, Never Give in...

I promise, this is the last BVB quote...

That I won't believe this lie

There must be something more inside

BVB, Sweet Blasphemy.

Wohoo!

MUM IS HOME!!!!!!!!!

She had... is can't remember what it was called, but it was some long-named heart condition (they think) and she has to have a followup appointment or two to be certain.

Also... we got the results of my blood test I had ten days ago... I HAVE NOT GOT ANAEMIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At last... Kerrang! have given me my voucher, mum is home and I definitely don't have anaemia. THANK... not God, he doesn't exist... I don't know. THANK SOMETHING!!!!!!!! I know, I'll thank MY gods.... THANK MCR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Life goes by, Bit by Boring Bit...

Why, oh why, oh fucking why? *Sigh* Mum is still in hospital. That meant that I had to cook the dinner again. Dad and I discussed what would be easy enough for me to do, and something that everyone would like, and we decided on fried eggs, bacon, baked beans, spaghetti, pasta and potato (for those who didn't eat pasta).

Today was spent mostly in the car, as dad delivered his parcels, which obviously was an invitation for Justin.

However, I chased him off with the cooking of the dinner, and he is far from sight now as I have now opened my emails... Kerrang! have sent me my voucher!!!!!!!!! Woohooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, it had been marked as sent, but hadn't been! Itr makes no difference now anyway, I HAVE MY VOUCHER!!!!!!!!!!! I know roughly which albums I'd like, which include the MCR ones which I can't find ANYWHERE, a Linkin Park album that I can't find ANYWHERE, and Foo Fighters album for Mrs Lawrence, to make her feel more appreciated. My happy now, even if most of the day was terrible.

I don't get it. WHY OH MOTHERFUCKING WHY does it always have to be me? Now mum is ill. Dad had to bring her into A&E, and as Nan is still up in Wales, helping to look after my cousins, he had to bring us with her. We don't know what it is, but I sure as hell (there is a hell, I'm LIVING IN IT!!!!!!!!!) pray that it's nothing serious, because, obviously, I don't want my mum to be ill, and I don't think that I could take any more of my life falling apart. I don't like my life crashing down around my ankles. It's scary. I don't know what is and isn't certain anymore, all I know that if My Chemical Romance hadn't formed, I would be dead. I SERIOUSLY WOULD have committed suicide by now without their music. Fuck, I have tried to, even with their stuff, but most of the time, they have been able to save me from it. They can normally stop me from fucking self harming, but I still lost it enough a couple of times recently to start dragging razors over my wrists. I now have two very clear little pinky-red lines over my left wrist from how I lost control.

Fuck, this is too fucking much. I now have the following to try to sort out in my head;

·        Am I bisexual or heterosexual?

·        Do I have anaemia?

·        Is mum seriously ill or not?

·        Did I cook the dinner well enough tonight?

·        Is my little sister going to get taken away or not?

·        Is everyone okay with what and how I’m saying everything, or am I making some people cry?

·        Is Kerrang! ever going to pull their finger out and get back to me about my voucher?

·        Am I ever going to get rid of Justin?

·        Is Jenny Wauldron ever going to fucking show her face and take the shit that she fully deserves?

·        Can I ever make it up to everyone for how I’ve let them down?

·        Is everyone okay? Do they need me? Somebody always needs me for something?

·        Am I ever going to remember what happiness is?

·        How long is this shit going to go on for, or will I never get out of it? (the latter seems fucking obvious)

·        Is school ever going to get how much I’m struggling to remain in classes?

·        Why don’t school get that if I’ve remained in class to the point that I actually cannot remain in there without chucking myself in under a desk, that simply making me do work elsewhere ISN’T GOING TO MOTHERBLOODYFUCKING WORK?????

… and a lot more… I’M FIFTEEN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY ME?!?!?!??????!!!!!!!!

What WILL it take to show you that it’s NOT THE LIFE IT SEEMS?!?!?!!!!!

I’ve told you TIME AND TIME AGAIN you sing the words but DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS

To be a JOKE AND LOOK, ANOTHER LINE WITHOUT A HOOK

I held you close as we both shook

For the LAST TIME,

TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU WEAR ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

….. MCR, I’m Not Okay. I think that says all that I can right now.

It's complicated...

Now it seemes that there is a chance to fight back against social fucking services - or at least, my parents can. Social services have now cut me out of the picture and refuse to talk to me. I AM UNASHAMED TO SAY THAT I HATE JENNY WAULDRON'S GUTS AND WOULD KILL HER IF I GOT HALF A CHANCE!!!!!! She's a motherfucking coward. She won't even face me. She refused to attend a meeting that she would have otherwise, just because I was there. GOD FUCK YOU JENNY! You're making me disappear again.

You're afraid to face the mess that you made and clear it up. You're afraid to face my temper and frustration. YOU'RE FUCKING TAKING AWAY MY VOICE IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! For christ's sakes, they might take us to court, depending on how badly that they think Tammy needs taking away. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I'M FIFTEEN. I DON'T FUCKING NEED ALL OF THIS AT MY AGE!!!!!!!!

What is a childhood? I can't remember. They've stolen my childhood from me. Ever since before I can I can remember, there have been social workers coming to visit. I hate it. I hate them. I thought that it was normal for social workers to visit families. I thought that every family had autism in it. I thought that it was the norm for a five year old to run down the stairs and exclaim 'Grampy's going jumpy jumpy!' when they had an epileptic fit. I WAS WRONG. Pourquoi? Why? Why did I have to lose my childhood. Now all I can do is mourn the childhood that I never really had, because it's all too late now, and it's not fair.

My Endless Heartbreak carries On...

It's killing me inside. Why? Why do I have to lose her? I fought for over 7 frigging months. and I lost her. Why? I've started self harming - I continually, forcibly drag razors over my wrists and arms in frustration. Why? Why can't I have her? I'm not allowed to keep my sisters. I told you all tht life hates me, and there's the proof. I get to lose my family. WHY, OH MOTHERFUCKING WHYYYYYYYY????????????????????

Going... Going... GONE!

I have just potentially had the worst possible day of my entire life.

It took them seven, long, heartbreaking months for them to make a descision. But now they have. Social motherfucking services have decided on whether to take away my little sister or not.

She is going to be taken away.

I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter! ~ Linkin Park, In The End.

It says it all, doesn't it. I spent seven months fighting the bastards, all in vain. They don't quite get it. It's not going to benefit anyone. It's not going to benefit them, because firstl, they don't adapt well to change, and secondly, they're just going to be DUMPED into a place with people that have had what? Maybe three years of training, ten years of experience? Put that against our lifetimes of looking after them, Doesn't exactly match, does it? It's also stupid taking her away when she's a teenager. Helloo, she's thirteen, well almost. It wouldn't be as bad if she was like, three. BUT NO, THE BASTARDS HAVE TO TAKE HER AWAY WHEN SHE'S ALMOST THIRTEEN. It's going to obviously completely break my parents... as for me... I think you can already tell how it's affected me.

What is a childhood? I've lost so much of mine that I've forgotten what it is. Social Services have chosen the worst time of my life to fuck up, haven't they? Bye bye GCSE's! I can't focus on you, I'm too busy getting my life fucked up by social services!

This is why Mikey Way, Gerard Way and Chester Bennington are my role models. They're not my role models BECAUSE they did drugs and were raging alcoholics. It's becasue they were able to dig themselves OUT. That's something that I can't do. They had the strength and guts to do it. They had the support. I don't. That's the thing. A victim so often that I've forgotten what strength is. Frank Iero isn't a role model BECAUSE he'd go out on a friday night, take pills and wake up on monday morning, unable to remember the weekend. HE COULD GET HIMSELF OUT OF THAT RUT! I can't.

I know that some of my internet friends are giving up on me because I'm pushing away everything that they say. I know that I'm making some of you feel terrible inside, and some of you cry. I HATE MYSELF FOR PUSHING YOU AWAY. I HATE MYSELF FOR MAKING YOU CRY. And now that I've had something that I could cry about, I gave myself a headache from crying so hard because of all of my guilt. I beg you my internet frineds, this is the time that I need comfort the most. I hate having my life crashing around my ankles. I hated having to go into the doctor's surgery today to have a blood test to check if I have got anaemia or not. I hated her having to do it twice, because the first vein collapsed and wouldn't give blood. I hate my life. I hate myself, and I don't think that that ever can or will change. I simply want this nightmare to end, and I don't think that it can.

Talking of nightmares, I had one a few nights back that I didn't understand at first. But now I can. Here's how it went.

I was at school, and this new religion was starting up. Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low came up to the group of people that I was with and asked some of us to try it, and so I did with somebody else, but I had no clue of who it was. He lead us into a part of the school that I had never been into, and we were given pendants in the shape of two pence peices, and also had other pennies which we then had to press against this stone wall, and then close our eyes and focus as hard as we could. I was actually quite good at it, and so carried on. The next day, in the dream, when I came back to do it again, the other guy that I had been with pointed to the other wall, where there were portraits of Alex which hadn't actually been painted into, and he had been fabricated into, and the guy panicked. I was alarmed. Alex uneasily explained that it was at a great cost to ourselves that we did this, and how Wolverine's face had been melted off when he had done it. Both off us then left, and I was wailing, because Alex had talke dof savign societies and things like that, and I wailed as I left, "At least I tried... at least I tried..."

It didn't initially make sense to me, but my mum basically explained to me that I meant that I was scaed as shit about something. Now I come to think about it, it makes perfect sense. I highly respect Alex Gaskath, and in some respects, I care about him.I get upset when people insult all time low. I also care about wolverine. But it's my words that made sense the most. The dream was a warning. It was abotu my fight with social services. I treid to save her from them. I just couldn't. Jut as I couldn't commit myself to that nightmare religion. And now I've lsot my sisters.

Occasional perks...

My life. Sooooooooooooooooo predictable. Even if I manage to have one moment of fun, he comes to visit me anyway, and it sucks. My life sucks.

However... there are occasional perks...

Yesterday, on a family trip to Wales, I obviously met my 3 year old cousin Melody. My little sister Tammy, being herself, got in a temper and upset Melody, and I as the one to calm her down. Come when I had to leave... she didn't want me to go. "I go with Kathy." She announced. That touched me. I was appreciated by a three year old, so openly. I had to convince her to stay with her mum, dad, and three little sisters, Rhonda and Bethany, the two year old twins, and baby Temperance Michaela, one of the primary reasons we came being to meet her for the first time.

And... let's not forget that it's always fun to play about with the pressure washer when cleaning the car... giving your godfather a shower with it, whether he wants one or not...

Why me?

This is the question that persistently spins around in my mind.

Why does it have to be my family that has the threat of being ripped apart?

Why do my treasured net friends ask me to lie to myself in order to get better, as I know that I have tried that before and know that it has never worked for me?

Why do I have to be the one that has the threat of anaemia, because I cannot make myself eat properly because of my depression?

Why do I have to have these feelings in the first place?

Why can I not kill myself correctly?

Why have I had this confusion of my sexuality since I was 11?

Why was I the victim of bullying so much?

Why do I always have the feeling that nobody will ever truly understand me?

Why do I always hfeel like I have a sign over my mouth that says 'Piss here for free'?

Why do I feel so hopelessly lost?

What did I do to deserve all of this?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MOTHERFUCKING ME?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not fair.

I hate my life.

I want to die.

Why can't I be the one that comes out victorious for once?

... hang on... I already know the answer to that...

Life hates me. Everything hates me. Social services hate me. I hate me. It wouldn't surprise if the person reading this hates me. There's just all of this agony locked up in my heart and I simply cannot release it. I sometimes try to kid myself into thinkig that somehow, someday, a Prince Charming will come dashing out of nowhere, take me onto his noble steed and carry me off into the sunset... but things like that never happen to me. They don't happen in the REAL world, the world that I hate, the world that I want to escape so desperately but that sands of time will not permit me to.

Pourquoi?

Why?

Tears are building up inside of me but I find it so hard to physically cry... I just want salvation. I want justice, I want to feel like somebody loves me, I want to feel like I am understood.... but me being me, that will never happen because life hates me. I try to do the world a favour, I try to remove my presence from it... but it refuses to let me.

Why can't I be granted the mercy of death?

In my darkest hour of complete hopelessness, I am still forced to live. That is, live in the physical sense. I died inside a long time ago. I was, and still am, weak in both emotion and physical state. I hate my life... fuck it, I don't just hate MY life, I hate life ITSELF.

Some lucky bastards don't know what pain is. They go through life with a silver spoon in their mouths and scorn at those who feel pain because they view them as 'less important'. And then there are people like me... people who can remember nothing but despair... because there is nothing else to remember. It's not fair. Why me?

In the words of System of a Down, Chop Suey! ~ Why have you forsaken me? In your eyes forsaken me? In your thoughts forsaken me? In your heart forsaken me?

Hang on... I already know the answer to that, don't I? GOD HATES ME. EVERY FUCKING ONE AND THING HATES ME AND I HATE THEM FOR THAT!!!

But at the same time... I never want anyone elese to ever feel as reomtely crap as I do, and have done, all through since this year began. I'm filled with such intense confusion that I don't know how to take it. I cn't lie to myself, because I never fool myself... every time I kid myself into thinking that I'm getting better, I fall further than I was before. I can't ever express it... if I were to remove the many million masks that I wear... it would destroy me. Does anyone understand that I am where I am know and that there IS NO MOTHER FUCKING SALVATION, SO STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OF IT!!!!!!!! IT MOTHERFUCKING PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kurt Cobain, I love you

I can really relate to you, Kurt. All the emotional torture that lead you to suicide... well, I don't veiw it as suicide. Your emotions murdered you. Just like mine are murdering me. The biggest reason I love you... you taught me something important. It's got to be - what - 17 years since your emotions murdered you. There were posters in this week's Kerrang! magazine of 'Gone but not forgotten' stars. You were one of them. I have your poster on my bedroom wall. And every time I look at it, it reminds me of that lesson that you taught me.

No matter how long you are dead and gone, somebody always remembers you.

 Respects you.

 Loves you.

Kurt Cobain, I love you.

Do Or Die.... but will you make me?

Yes, I am playing about with the lyrics of 'Welcome to the Black Parade', from my gods, My Chemical Romance. AND YES, I DO KNOW THAT I ONLY POSTED EARLIER.... but the impossible has happened.


I have listened all the way through the album, the best album in the world, 'The Black Parade', by My Chemical Romance... but it hasn't kicked Justin out. Even when my depression is this bad, it normally only takes a few tracks to pull me out of it, or at least, mostly. It's not fucking fair, pardon my language. Justin, the motherfucker, refuses to be shown the door. Right now, all My Chemical Romance is doing is stopping me self-harming or committing suicide. I am afraid that I am so upset and pissed off that I will swear, even though I have trained myself NOT to swear because pretty much everyone prefers it that way.

Half of me is screaming myself to insanity, screaming "WHY CAN'T YOU PICK ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING VICTIM AND LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?!?!?!!!!!!!"

The other half of me prays that nobody else in the universe ever in a million years feels as fucking rotten and worthless as I do right now. I've said it lots of times before, and I'll say it again... even though I think that it's the first time that I've said it online... if I could, then I would take all of the pain, hate, sin, suffering, heartbreak and every other fucking bad thing in the universe and put it upon myself, so that nobody could ever feel as terrible as I do.

My world is shaking. Everything about it... nothing is certain. I don't know if my little autistic sister is going to be taken away from me by the bastards at social services or not. There are things about my past which I know that I cannot change but I would give almost anything to change, and some of those which I am uncertain about. I'm not really certain about anything anymore. My sexuality... my mind is ticking am I bisexual? Am I hetrosexual? Am I bisexual? Am I hetrosexual? At the same time I'm not certain if my family is going to be ripped apart by bastards or if my family is going to be permitted to remain in one peice. At the same time I've Justin in my head chanting kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself. At the same time I've got my needs of my family nagging at me and guess what? With all of this AND A FUCKLOAD OF A LOT MORE, little lady Kathy can't cope. Little lady Kathy tries to hide everything from  everyone else so that they don't get hurt and guess what? Little lady Kathy gets hurt even more bcause she's not taking her iwn needs into consideration when she's continually tring to think of everyone else and so she does try to take care of herself, guess what? Nobody's used to Little lady Kathy trying to put herself first and so everyone is like " What the hell? You're thinking of yourself? NO NO NO, think of ME, put ME first!!!" And so Little lady Kathy does and with all of this fucking confusion going on in this kid's mind... she explodes. But then of course, she's not meant to do that and gets a verbal spanking from social services and so the hateful cycle carries on. Are you FUCKING SURPRISED that I want to die?

My Life is a Yo-Yo...

The title of this post says a lot. Take yesterday for example.

First thing - I'm still very low about losing Greeta, close to tears.

Mid Morning - Screaming in delight - Mum bought me and dad standing tickets to see Black Veil Brides in the Exeter Lemon Grove on October 7th. Well, technically I bought them, I gave her the money that I raised from a car boot sale last Friday, Mum just placed the order.

Afternoon - Close to tears - Justin came to play and grief of losing Greeta washed over me all over again.

Evening - Crying with laughter - I called Amber and talk of Gerard playing the piano with his eleventh finger... Amber is a magician when it comes to that sort of thing. (No Frankie, that's a glowstick, not a knife!)... (Ray, that's a hedgehog, NOT TOILET PAPER!!!)

See what I mean? Why can't I just have a normal life for once...?

Again, immense thank-yous to my very close 'net friends, always there when I need you. (Lays out tray of treats for my all-important 'net friends.)