I don't get it. WHY OH MOTHERFUCKING WHY does it always have to be me? Now mum is ill. Dad had to bring her into A&E, and as Nan is still up in Wales, helping to look after my cousins, he had to bring us with her. We don't know what it is, but I sure as hell (there is a hell, I'm LIVING IN IT!!!!!!!!!) pray that it's nothing serious, because, obviously, I don't want my mum to be ill, and I don't think that I could take any more of my life falling apart. I don't like my life crashing down around my ankles. It's scary. I don't know what is and isn't certain anymore, all I know that if My Chemical Romance hadn't formed, I would be dead. I SERIOUSLY WOULD have committed suicide by now without their music. Fuck, I have tried to, even with their stuff, but most of the time, they have been able to save me from it. They can normally stop me from fucking self harming, but I still lost it enough a couple of times recently to start dragging razors over my wrists. I now have two very clear little pinky-red lines over my left wrist from how I lost control.

Fuck, this is too fucking much. I now have the following to try to sort out in my head;

·        Am I bisexual or heterosexual?

·        Do I have anaemia?

·        Is mum seriously ill or not?

·        Did I cook the dinner well enough tonight?

·        Is my little sister going to get taken away or not?

·        Is everyone okay with what and how I’m saying everything, or am I making some people cry?

·        Is Kerrang! ever going to pull their finger out and get back to me about my voucher?

·        Am I ever going to get rid of Justin?

·        Is Jenny Wauldron ever going to fucking show her face and take the shit that she fully deserves?

·        Can I ever make it up to everyone for how I’ve let them down?

·        Is everyone okay? Do they need me? Somebody always needs me for something?

·        Am I ever going to remember what happiness is?

·        How long is this shit going to go on for, or will I never get out of it? (the latter seems fucking obvious)

·        Is school ever going to get how much I’m struggling to remain in classes?

·        Why don’t school get that if I’ve remained in class to the point that I actually cannot remain in there without chucking myself in under a desk, that simply making me do work elsewhere ISN’T GOING TO MOTHERBLOODYFUCKING WORK?????

… and a lot more… I’M FIFTEEN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY ME?!?!?!??????!!!!!!!!

What WILL it take to show you that it’s NOT THE LIFE IT SEEMS?!?!?!!!!!

I’ve told you TIME AND TIME AGAIN you sing the words but DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS

To be a JOKE AND LOOK, ANOTHER LINE WITHOUT A HOOK

I held you close as we both shook

For the LAST TIME,

TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU WEAR ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

….. MCR, I’m Not Okay. I think that says all that I can right now.