Tuesday, 20 December 2011

puzzles for you

I am the moonchild, and I live on
22 Acacia Avenue
, which is somewhere in the realms of Paschendale. My parents are the rainmaker and mother russia, and I learned the dance of death at a young age. I am close friends with the wrathchild, who has a fear of the dark, the journeyman and tailgunner, and we are the children of the damned.

Never in my wildest dreams, my most infinite dreams, had I known of the evil that men do, that the clairvoyant told me through the prophecy... the trooper, you see... he was a man on the edge, so to speak. He came from a time of wasted years, and it had not played well on him, wasting love on the women in uniform. Confused and betrayed, he dialled the number of the beast and asked the lord of the flies himself ' Can I play with madness?' Enraged by his refusal, he made a bet with the angel and the gambler that the sign of the cross woould go up in holy smoke when the wicker man burned. Many revelations then proved that he was wrong, and so when everyone was distracted by the flight of icarus, he made his escape. No, he was not running free. He had to be quick or be dead. He had to run silent, run deep and run to the hills. Then, of course, the seventh son of a seventh son noticed his absence, and because of the virus that he was suffering, he sent the assassin after him. There were aces high: he was the phantom of the opera, and with himn on the case, there is no prayer for the dying. This was the public ewnema number one. Just like he will bring your daughter to the slaughter, you know it's all over when he announces 'Hallowed be thy Name'. He is a powerslave, he ensuers that only the good die young and he recites the rime of the ancient mariner as he works. When he has his hooks in you, you know that you will die with your boots on.
It is 2 minuetes to midnight now, and I must go to my iron maiden, my bed and place of slumber. We are coming to futureal times, and I am afraid to shoot strangers. But a time of no more lies is coming. A time where these clolurs don't run. A brave new world is dawning. Here is our fates warning...

* * *

Helena… I’m not okay, I promise, and honey, this mirror isn’t big enough for the two of us. Don’t get me wrong, you are our lady of sorrows, your drowning lessons are amazing… but this is the end of our romance. Baby, we were nothing more than demolition lovers, and it’s not that I don’t love you. Girl, you know what they do to guys like us in prison. It’s not that I want to do this, it’s not a fashion statement, it’s a deathwish. Darling, I’d rather he dead! Yes… this is how I disappear. These could well be my famous last words, baby, but the only hope for me is you. But you know the teenagers. All they want is another desolation row. And someone has to give mama the welcome to the black parade. Just a quick note – don’t sleep in the house of wolves. All the blood, party poison and vampire money is sure to give you cancer. I feel so disenchanted, sitting in cubicles and staring at early sunsets over Monroeville. Seriously, this cemetery drive takes you to the end. But now some words of advice – the sharpest lives are not healthy. Vampires will never hurt you, but the jetset life is gonna kill you. So give em hell, kid, hang em high. I guess it’s a good thing that I never told you what I do for a living, but thank you for the venom anyway. If I had, even the ghost of you would hate me. But look alive, sunshine – the scarecrow told me tht the planetary kids from yesterday gave you a bulletproof heart, and that’s something to sing about. Oh, what was I going to say? – na… na… na… never forget what I told you about the interlude, and save yourself, I’ll hold them back…
 

For those of you who had no idea what the hell all of that was about, it's a little puzzle i've made for you. It's simple - unpick all of the song titles! the first, in yellow, is all iron maiden, and i think there's 57 of them. the second if mcr, and there's about 47 of them. have fun!

Sunday, 18 December 2011

RAYMOND!




LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK at my new teddy that I won! Those were a couple of pics of me and my main man - well - teddy, Raymond!

I won this guy from a hospice care teddybear raffle. £1 a ticket, select a square, give your name, number and the teddy you'd like if you won.

The purple is in aid of his lovely purple jacket! Black Parade style, which is initially what caught my eye, but in PURPLE!

No. 48, my only ticket in the draw, won me this guy! He's ADORABLE!!!!!!!

This was the teddy that I wanted!!! Who's the lucky one? I AM!!!

You'll NEVER guess who he's named after...

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

LOOK AT MY XMAS CARD!!! EEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK AT MY XMAS CARD FROM JASMINE!!!!!!!!! IT HAS RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY ON IT!!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!

Sowwy. Ray fangirl with not very much going right in my life right now. I might not even have my sister home for xmas now. So... the silliest little things mean the most. And that includes an xmas card of Ray Toro jumping out of an xmas pressie, telling me he loves me. Absolutely ADORE this card.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Hang ME high!!!

I'm angry. For anyone that's heard MCR's I never told you what I do for a living or It's not a fashion statement, it's a fucking deathwish... it's like that. When I can find it, i'll put up a poem I wrote about how I feel. 'Call me Black Mariah'.

I am Black Mariah.

Jennie, that poem was about YOU and all of your bastard servants at the motherfucker's social services.

I will have my revenge one day. I will never forgive you. I never can.

You crossed the line when you took my little sister away.

There's very little I can't forgive. Fuck it, I forgave the people who ASSAULTED ME!!!!!!!!!

But I can't forgive you for stealing my sister from me. You crossed the line jennie. Here's your warning.

COUNT THE SHADOWS, JENNIE!

Be certain that I'm NOT making another. I will get my revenge Jennie.

REMEMBER THAT!

'When you go, just know that I WILL REMEMBER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, 6 December 2011

MOM = HOME!

MOM IS HOME!!!

Stupid hospitals. Rush her in, do the tests 12 hours later, 'can't do anything at the moment' and send her home! Same as last time! Idiots! Hurry up and get that whateveryacallit angiograph done!

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Holy fuck, not again!

*sigh*

Mum's chest has been playing up. This time, the problem lasted for over 40 minutes. She's back in A&E. We hope, like every other time, she'll be back again tomorrow... but I can't help but wonder how much longer mum's heart is gonna hold... how long I'm actually gonna have a mum...

She says that everything will be fine. My heart isn't convinced.

By the way, happy birthday uncle mikey!

Life gets seriously fucked up sometimes. Mum gets rushed into A&E on her brother's birthday!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

OW!

OW! I have either twisted or sprained my ankle. You see, you cannot even let me walk into the school's bus park unnassisted, because I am certain to hurt myself somehow. Even so, Kerri managed to lighten the spirits by joking with me, 'Let's not leave grandma behind!' and 'Kathy, I don't think trying to fly to the bus was a good idea!' Good ol' Kerri!

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

A pressie from Jasmine

Look at what Jasmine gave me!!!!!! IT IS RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEXIEST GUY EVEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know, it's not clear - my scanner isn't brilliant. BUT MY LOVE! I literally kiss it!!! No, I'm not a Ray fangirl at ALL... 

Thank you Jasmine! Love you! (As a friend). Not like I didn't before, but ESPESCIALLY now. Love the drawing, love you!

Monday, 28 November 2011

Hard rockin' nana!

I have a hard-rocking nana! She is awesome!

...

I am getting ahead of myself. Allow me to explain...

The other morning, as I am informed, she was sat on the edge of her bed. She was singing quietly to herself, not realising that she was singing, or even WHAT she was singing. My uncle came to the doorway and gave her and odd look.

What was she singing?

MCR's TEENAGERS!!!!!!!!! =D

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

My Friends...

The post that I have been promising for yonks! All about my very special freinds that I know face to face!

AMBER
I had to start with you! The only person that has ever let me talk continuously for three hours about JUST MCR! The only person who has ever dueted 'Mama' in the way that we did! My friend that guards Nightwish with her blood! I am prepared to accept you for who you are and who you love, no matter what the fuck the rest of the world thinks!

KERRI
You are the ONLY person that I have ever known to dance into a TEACHER! The mere thought makes me LOL. The one who really kick-started my MCR addiction (without intending!) and the one I always crack jokes with about how, if they ever meet me, will all simultaneously scream 'RESTRAINING ORDER'! Kez, you're amazing!

MEGAN
Ah, yes, the one who likes requesting hundreds of drawings from me. The one who STILL needs to hand back my copy of Black Veil Brides's Set the World On Fire. The one who tried to get me MCR tickets! I will FOREVER be touched by the fact that you tried to get me tickets, even though you weren't able to!

CLARE
A fairly long-standing freind of mine. A freind that I very literally owe my life to. Had you not pulled me out of the road in time, that time that we were assaulted a couple of years ago, I would not be here typing this. I owe you, Clare, I seriously owe you.

RUTH
Clare's little sister! Slightly eccentric in your ideas, at times, but brilliant none the less!

ALICE
One of the longest standing friends that I have. You were the first person that I entrusted my fear/uncertainty of being bisexual with. I don't care that you owe me money. I've said it before. You are one of the closest friends that I have. Nothing can erase that.

OLI
Yes, trouble #1. Likes pretending to be gay with trouble #2. Has problems with gay men and the idea of gay people adopting children. Doesn't understand the concept of my depression. Thinks it's cool that I might be bisexual. Cannot stand MCR. (WTF!?) But I love you anyway!

RICKY
Trouble #2. Pretends to be gay with trouble #1, and also has problems with the concept of gay people adopting children. Also likes me more for the fact that I might be bisexual. Unlike trouble #1, you DO like a couple of MCR songs! (Na Na Na and Teenagers) I also love you!

JASMINE
Yes, all the Andy Beirsack conversations! I'm certain that one day that you will meet both Oli Sykes and Andy Beirsack. Even if I have to play a hand in the latter... (kidnap!) All the conversations about kidnapping Gerard Way in a suitcase.... Lol. Just remember - any time you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

JOE
The only person who didn't abandon me on the sponsered walk! You stayed with me right until the end. I am very touched by that! You are amazing, no matter what.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

OH MY GOD I AM SO SO SORRY!

OH MY GOD! I HAVEN'T POSTED IN ALMOST A FORTNIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Anyway, just saying that I'm alive and

I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Sing me Home

I've been thinking about little Tammy a lot recently, obviously. Lyrics... artwork... but this is one of the first completed things that I've ever done. It's a little poem that I've JUST finished, and I've called it 'Sing me Home'. Tell me what you think!

Sing me Home

Sing me home
Sing me home
Sing me a lullaby to fight away the cold
And all the lonely nights where you are on your own
Sing me a lullaby
And I will sing us home

Sing me home
Sing me home
I know that I forgot my pride
And all the thoughtlessness inside
But if I sang you a lullaby
Would you sing us home?

Sing you home
Sing you home
Our distances are many miles
And time has broken many smiles
But think of me
And I’ll sing you home

I’ll sing you home

I’ll sing you home

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

"Call her Black Mariah..."

The angels just cut out her tongue,
Call her Black Mariah-
Would I lie to you?
That girl's not right in the brain!

~My Chemical Romance, Hang 'em High

No, I wasn't being lazy and stealing another MCR lyric when I chose to rename my blog, ths lyric means a fucking lot to me.

I am Black Mariah, so to speak.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. What the fuck does she mean...? I'm talking in a slightly odd perspective.

Social fucking services. Angels. Can really solve some people's lives. AND COMPLETELY FUCK UP EVERYONE ELSE'S!!!

In the fight to keep my sister, it came to the point where they wouldn't even face me. They wouldn't talk my points into consideration. I write a 3 side A4 letter, a couple of months before the decision was made, (stating the excruciatingly meagre sides to my sister going), and the better, stronger points against her not going, fairly stating that taking my sister away was a fucking cock-up of an idea and should not, under any circumstances, go ahaed. (I was a lot calmer in the letter, but I am and was FUCKING LIVID!!!!!!!!!) WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID I GET IN RETURN???!!!????????? A meagre excuse of a letter from Jennie Motherfucking Wauldron, saying sorry about the delay of a few months, and that she was 'deeply touched' about the emotions and care that I put into that letter about my sister. Bitch. If she was soooo 'deeply touched', then she WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING TAKEN HER AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To put that simply, they cut out my tongue in the matter. I apologise for that minature rant.

As I have said before in a previous post, some people have taken to describing me as 'emo'. I AM NOT A MOTHERFUCKING EMO!!!!!! THEY SLAM THAT NAME ON ME AND STICK ME IN A BOX OF FUCKING SHITTY LAME EVIDENCE!!!!!!!!!

Again, sorry for the rant. In essence, they slam a name on me. Call her Black Mariah...

Would I lie to you? Yes. I do all the time, to everyone. JUST SO THAT YOU DON'T GET HURT BY MY WORDS AND FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LIE AND MAKE MYSELF WORSE BECAUSE I CAN'T FACE THE IDEA OF HURTING ANYBODY ELSE! FUCK ME! LIKE I CARE!!!!!

I've genuinely been worried about my mental health, recently. Everything happening at once... I just can't let things go, I just can't... I can't cope... That girl's not right in the brain!

Thursday, 27 October 2011

The cousin has come to stay!!!!

DA DA DA DA!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiren has come around to stay, and I haven't seen him since before I created this blog!

Kiren is four, five in feburary, and loves 'Gerry Berry' and 'My My' - our nicknames for Gerard-Ray and Mikey-Frank! Ha!

Nothing else really to say...

Thursday, 20 October 2011

No, I'm Not Okay, I'm REALLY not okay!

~ MCR, I'm Not Okay (Edit for TV)

No, Nothing's happened since I last blogged, babes, nothing at all. *note the obvious sarcasm*

Well, Tammy's gone now. All those LONG, HEARTBREAKING EIGHT MONTHS FOR MOTHERFUCKING NOTHING...

The most heartbreaking part? She didn't wanna go. We tried to make the morning as normal as possible. We told her that is would be 'school-mourino-sleep', and even wrote that on the calendar. She crossed it off the calendar. She screamed. She threw herself on the floor.

I had to pretty much carry her out to the school bus. By the time I'd gotten back to the house, with the knowlege that she was NOT coming back... i broke into complete hysteric tears. My parents didn't send me into school that day. They saw no point.

It was a 20km sponsored walk today, raisng money for the crap school that I go to... I raised £40. Some literally raised £2. I have blisters on my feet from it, and my ankles ACHE.

The highlight of the walk, however, came little before or after half way. One of the marshals - I think that it's the 'Gillian' that Amber had told me about multiple times - said something along the lines of

"I like her. She's wearing a black veil brides shirt."

I smiled *a VERY rare achievement!* and said

"I have an MCR hoody in my bag" and got it out.

*all marshals cheered*

Gillian, as I think that she was, then said, noticing my difficluties in contiuing then said something along the lines of

"Kathy, just think - Gerard Way is waiting back at school, NAKED!"

I couldn't help but smile, despite the pain!

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Finally! The Article!


AT LAST! I CAN PUT UP MY LETTER THAT KERRANG! PRINTED!

Well... it's on that bit of card and I wroted on it.

I'm sorry that you can't read it. It reads;

HI KERRANG! I'd like to thank every single one of you people at Kerrang! for providing me with the music that has saved my life - repeatedly! I've had non-clinical depression recently, and music has been on of the things that has made my life worth living. My all-time favourite band is My Chemical Romance, and so when my rabbit died and I got two guinea pigs, guess what I called them? Gerard-Ray and Mikey-Frank!Life was tough before at home, but now my family are starting to like my music - my dad, younger autistic sister ad I all sing along to MCR and even my nan is coming to know that bands that I talk about! I regularly argue with one friends about who would win in a wrestling match out of MCR and Avenged Sevenfold, and with another friend I can have converstions literally three hours long about purely MCR! All I really want to say is thank you to everyone at Kerrang!, Thank you a thousand times over.
KAT, DEVON

Hello Kat! We're really glad to hear that your family are sharing your love of music, and we look forward to introducing you to many more bands in the future. Enjoy spending your £50 Zavvi voucher on some new CDs, and please pass on a big hello to Gerard-Ray and Mikey-Frank - possibly the smallest Killjoys in the world!

AND I GOT A VOUCHER! WOOT!

The funny thing is, I probably never would have been able to get either Three Cheers or I Brought You My Bullets without the voucher, as I couldn't find them ANYWHERE, so I would never have learned of my fave song, Thank You For The Venom! UNTHINKABLE! Thankies Kerrang! Love you lots!

... Bobbie Lane, thank you for sending me my voucher code, but it's KAT, not KATHLEEN! GRRR!

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Here2Help

This site was created by somebody I know.

 http://smileagain.yolasite.com/

It talks about mental illness, and raises awareness of both depression, other mental illnesses and self hraming. Only the latter effects me, truthfully, but these are mtters that need focusing on and the light shone on a little more. PLEASE PUBLICISE IT!!!

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Blurry tearless eyes...

What... Wha..?

Just when I think that I know what's going on in my life, something changes and turns that all upside down again.

Just when I'd thought I'd reached the bottom... I'm dying again...

~ Evanescence, Going Under

Okay, I guess I'd better explain myself. I thought that I knew when my sister was being taken away. The Friday of the school half term.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, The social worker had to turn all of that upside down, didn't she? It now gets sped up to NEXT FUCKING WEDNESDAY!

Invisible tears fall down my cheeks, shall I say.  I can't cry. I can't let out my feelings.

I know it's unhealthy. I just can't cry.

I tried to step my self harming up a gear this morning. I tried to use the knives in the kitchen. THEY WERE ONLY FUCKING BLUNT!!! They only left pressure marks on my skin.

I told my mum and family's social worker. Their joint reaction? GOOD!

NO IT'S FUCKING NOT, LIKE EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

I hate my life. Every time something good happens, another hundered bad overpower it.
It's not fair. 

Revenge. Oh, revenge would be so FUCKING SWEET. THREE CHEERS FOR SWEET, SWEET REVENGE, if it could ever be mine. Revenge to match the heartbreak. Revenge, avenge the death of my innocent, tearstained spirit. Avenge MY GHOST, for internally, I was murdered so long, long ago, little more than a child, mourning the childhood that I never had.

There's just a numb, dull, literal ache in my chest where my heart should be. But it's not there. I'm soulless. Scarred. Tearstained. Forgotten.

I'll conclude with a quote from the best band to have ever existed (My Chemical Romance), and my favourite song (Thank You For The Venom).

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Ya wanna follow something?
Give me a better cause to lead!
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to believe...

Monday, 10 October 2011

When both our Worlds collide

~ I know, I changed some of the words from MCR's Helena. So shoot me. I had to come up with a title.

Oh my lord peoples, it has been chaotic since I last posted! The gig was AMAZING, and I went to my first ever mosh pit!

Also... to explain this blog title... think of what I usually am. The lowest of the lowlives. (or so it seems).

Even in the most crap of lives, some good things can happen.

Think of the Yashin frontman. (Damn, I don't even know his name! that's embarrassing)

Rockstar.

All Time Loser.

I touched the frontman. I know it sounds silly, but to me, it was a collision of worlds. This few moments that I was touching his forearm, caught up in the centre of the moshpit, was amazing. That was the one night when I felt significant. Like it didn't matter who or what I was, and that I had to have no alibis or excuses for what I am. I felt... like I mattered, and I was actually a somebody, like I belonged somewhere. Thank you My Passion, Yashin and Black Veil Brides. YOU ROCK!!!

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Here come the Brides!


IT'S TOMORROW!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Tomorrow, I am going to go to my first gig EVER and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!

The doors to the exeter lemon grove open at 7.00pm, and the gig starts at 7.30pm. Me and dad have standing tickets!

I don't exectly know when the gig ends, but I know that they have two support bands playing first (My Passion and Yashin). I CAN'T WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

BIG SHOUTS!

Today has been.. so so. Okay, I guess.

Requested BIG SHOUTS out to Billy Everleigh, Alice 'The Beast' Reading, Sam 'COD' Bennett, Callum 'Dick' Isaac, 'Small Ben' Powell and Ellie Stone!

Not much else to say really...

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Hell is a place on earth (in my life)

Yep. I meant what I just said there. I'm gonna need my new MCR hoody to cling to, the 'Black Parade' hoody I got yesterday. (I lie, I got it second hand in a charity shop, it's not new, but it's new to me)

Only MY LITTLE SISTER would be the one to run away on carnival night. She managed to cover several miles in that half hour, verus my two and a bit. WE ONLY HAD TO CALL THE POLICE OUT!!! I'm not afraid to admit that all the while I was chanting,

"Tamzin you're a pain in the arse, pain in the arse, pain in the arse
Tamzin you're a pain in the arse,
Yes oh yes you are!"

And the frustration (and pain in my ankle) caused me to start self harming again. I've had depression ALL DAY TODAY! MEH! JUSTIN GO FUCK OFF OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

OH MY GOD!


This is something that my internet friends have been working on (from what phoenix said) for over a year. I just recived it in an email!The strange thing was that I had JUST left fandom!!! This is what makes me apreciate my internet friends as I do.

Ambinoggos, Quaxorascal,Rumpleteaser, Lininaiasha,  Fantasia, Jemiteaser, Aloni - and of COURSE - Phoenix - You are the best friends that anybody, or any jellicle, for that matter, could ask for. (and anyone that I may have missed)

I just love everything about it. The quotes, the images - Li, you HATE Star Wars, but did a pic for it. I am so close to crying, I am just SO shocked!I had no idea!

*lays out feast for the net frineds*

THREE (hundered) CHEERS FOR THE WORLD'S GREATEST INTERNET FRIENDS TO HAVE EVER EXISTED!
(Cats is the main fandom, and Caramella is the name that I was known as)

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Au reviour...

Well... that hurt. I've just kissed goodbye to the CATS fandom. It had to happen, but that doesn't stop the hurt. By the way... those of you on fanfiction.net... I'm now Mad Kat the Pineapple. And i'm in the process of publishing a songfic - evanescence's bring me to life, for those of you that care.

and again, my fucking depression. GET OUT OF MY HEAD JUSTIN!!!!!

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Merci Pour Le VENIN!

What's the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay!
...So long... and goodnight...
...So long... and goodnight...

I should have been okay yesterday. It was my litlle sister's birthday. My big sister came back for the party.

BUT I WASN'T.

AND I'M NOT OKAY TODAY.

I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

Justin, my neverending depression, always stabs me in the back when I expect him the least.

Please, give me the mercy of my premature death. I tried to end it, I want the end, I swear. But I can't have, apparently. Ok, here we, none of us were expecting THIS quote...

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to beleive
So gimme all your poison
And gimme all your pills
And gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ill!
You're running after something that you'll never kill
If this is what you want then FIRE AT WILL!!!

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Please...somebody help me... anybody...

I have had a terrible day. And yesterday was horrible too.

Please people, I'm going insane. I'm going COMPETELY CRAZY.

Saturday, I completely broke. I resorted to send begging texts to my friend, 'Help me'.

Today, I'm doing just as bad.

Okay, what went wrong today?

At my CAMHS meeting I got into an arguement with my CAMHS worker Emma

I only held it together enough to attend one lesson today

My little sister broke out of the house and my mum and I had to run after her

My little sister got into my room and caused havoc in there, making a tip of it

Justin, my depression, makes me feel like committing suicide

NO... NOTHING WENT MOTHERFUCKING WRONG TODAY, NOTHING AT ALL...

I've actually cried a few times today. I cannot stress what an achivement that that is. I struggle to cry. It kind of clarifies how fucking rotten and depressed and worthless I feel...

Sorry. It doesn't help that Tammy leaves for Maurino in less than a month. She's already had a teatime visit. She seemed to enjoy it there. But every moment I see her... it's a reminder...

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
I CANNOT FUCKING STOP IT.
MY WORLD IS ENDING.

And nobody can save the tiny little girl stuck in the chokehold from her nightmares.

...So long... goodnight...

...So long... goodnight...


Sunday, 18 September 2011

An idea I had...

I wrote down most of my feelings and dressed them up in the form of a song-fic this afternoon. Okay, it's Star Wars, and it's about Anakin, but it says all that needs to be said.

Here's the link! ~ http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7392180/1/Im_Not_Okay

Please let me know what you think! I plan on writing for a living when I leave school, so I hope that people like it! Thing is, it took a while, but I'm not feeling too bad now that I've done it. Sorry, I've seen all three prequels in two days, they're fresh in mind!

BTW - Waaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My fave charrie (Kit Fisto) dies in the third!!!! And for anyone that reads it, please note - I don't like the KitAayla pairing. I just used it to make the story and song fit.

Anyway - did this fit? Let me know!

Thursday, 15 September 2011

You KNOW what they do to guys like us in prizon

But nobody cares if you're losing yourself - AM I LOSING MYSELF!?!!
Oh, I miss my mom!
Will they give me the chair?
Or a lethal injection?
Or a swing from the rope IF YOU DARE!!!
Oh, nobody knows, ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE SEEN!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, You know what they do.....

Yeah.... I quote that bit a LOT. But it's how I feel. That's all I need to say, because I just HAVE these irrational feelings that the world is after me and they will kill me when they get me... I can't "Keep Running" forever...

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

I'm Not Okay. You Wear Me Out.

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

I think that I'll simply post my feelings in song lyrics... you should get the gist...

If you marry me,
Would you bury me?
Would you carry me to the end?
 ~  My Chemical Romance, To The End

But nobody cares if you're losing yourself -
AM I LOSING MYSELF?
Oh, I miss my mom!
Will they give me the chair?
Or a lethal injection?
Or a SWING FROM THE ROPE IF YOU DARE!!!
OH, NOBODY KNOWS, ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE SEEN!!!!!!!!!!
~ My Chemical Romance, You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prizon

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
I've told you time and time again, you sing the words, but don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook
For the last time - TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK!!!
~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

I'm okay
I'M OKAY!!!!
I'M OKAY NOW!!!
But you REALLY need to listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this - I'M OKAY!
Trust me
I'M NOT OKAY
I'M NOT OKAY
NO, I'M NOT OKAY,
I'M NOT O - FUCKING - KAY!!!
I'M NOT OKAY
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!
~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

He calls the mansion not a house but a tomb
He's always choking from the stench and the fume
The wedding party all collapsed in the room
SO SEND MY RESIGNATION TO THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM!!!
~ My Chemical Romance, To The End

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to ya
~ My Chemical Romance, Disenchanted

Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand
And wouldn't it be great if we were dead?
~My Chemical Romance, Dead!

So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
BUT NOT ME!
~ My Chemical Romance, Teenagers

When I grow up, I want to be
NOTHING AT ALL!!!
~ My Chemical Romance, The End.

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams
YOUR MISERY AND HATE WILL KILL US ALL!!!
~ My Chemical Romance, Welcome to the Black Parade

I DON'T CARE!!!!!!
~ My Chemical Romance, Welcome to the Black Parade

Sister, I'm not much a poet but a criminal
And you never had a chance
~My Chemical Romance, Thank You for the Venom

Love it or leave it -
YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND!!!
~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

I WOULDN'T FRONT THE SCENE IF YOU PAID ME!!!
~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something?
GIVE ME A BETTER CAUSE TO LEAD!!!
Just give me what I need
GIVE ME A REASON TO BELIEVE!!!!!!!
~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

So gimme all your poison
And gimme all your pills
And gimme all our hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!
You're running after something that you'll never kill
If this is what you want then FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~ MCR, Thank You for the Venom

Sunday, 11 September 2011

I'm Not O - FUCKING - KAY!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

What I'm having right now is a bitter taste-test of the future. With Ellie off at College already, any time that Tammy is taken into respite, I get a bitter taste-test of what is to come.It hurts. Every time that I see her is a painful reminder that time is ticking away and it's only a matter of time before she's stolen for good, and every time that she's not there... it's like she's already left. And n matter what, there's still the burning question in my heart and constantly on my mind.

Why me?

Everyone says that I have to look at it as it's the best thing for her, that I should put my studies first and care about a the future. But to me, the future doesn't exist. All that lies ahead is further blood, sweat, tears, heartbreak and regrets of how  i could have fought harder, I could have kept her. But there's always the future, apparently, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, there just HAS TO BE! Well fuck you. Somebody go fuck life. I don't give a fuck about what HAS TO BE, because guess what, I once believed that. I once believed in God. I once believed that there was a way out, and if I tried hard enough, I'd find the exit. Well... it didn't happen. Enough people have thrown all of their venomous lies at me, so here's the open invitation - FINISH ME OFF!!! Here's a few quotes from the best band to ever exist, just to sum up how I feel.

So gimme all your poison
And gimme all your pills
And gimme all your hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!!!!!
You're running after something that you'll never kill
If this is WHAT YOU WANT then FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, Thank You for the Venom

But nobody cares if you're losing yourself -
AM I LOSING MYSELF?!?!!!
Oh I miss my mom!
Will they give me the chair?
Or a lethal injection?
Or a swing from a rope if you DARE!
Oh, nobody knows, ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE SEEN!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, You know what they do to guys like us in prison

I'm okay
I'M OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm okay now
I'M OKAY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you REALLY NEED TO LISTEN TO ME
BECAUSE I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH
I MEAN THIS - I'M OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trust me -
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!
NO, I'M NOT OKAY
I'M NOT O - FUCKING - KAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!
I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ My Chemical Romance, I'm Not Okay

Would you carry me to the end?

~ My Chemical Romance, To The End

I don't care how much you'll invest yourself in me
We're not working out
And you won't keep my brother
And you won't fuck my friends

~ My Chemical Romance, Honey, This mirror isn't big enough for the two of us

And someone save my soul tonight,
Please save my soul

~ My Chemical Romance, Vampires will never hurt you

And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust
Just think happy thoughts
And we'll fly home

~ My Chemical Romance, Headfirst for Halos

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Things and Stuffs...

Gah! WHY THE FUCKING HELL CAN'T PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna rant here slightly... a few days ago somebody asked me if I was keeping up the 'emo look'. I AM NOT EMO!!! JUST BECAUSE I LISTEN TO MCR DOES NOT MAKE ME AN EMO!!!!!!!!! MCR IS NOT EMO!!! I DIDN'T START SELF-HARMING UNTIL THE SUMMER, AND SO HOW THE HELL WAS I AN EMO BEFOREHAND?!?!!!!!!!! FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that... had to get that out of my system...

Another apology to make. My scanner is broken. I have lots and lots of stuff to scan in, including a request peice, but until that is fixed, I can't put anything on. Really sorry, particularly Kalli.

Another thing... would anybody be offended if I put drawings of cherubims of the site when my scanner is fixed? Cherubims are the little naked baby angels metioned in the bible, and I'm in the process of doing MCR in that style (Ray and Gerard complete, Mikey and Frank to go). You don't see anything innapropriate (thier gentitals) - I'm darwing them with either thier backs turned or carefully placed instruments.

On the subject of angel drawings, I'm also doing MCR as adult angels, (Gerard and Mikey complete, Ray in the process and Frank to go). I'm also doing them as pony-corns (little unicorns), and a few other celebs... (Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Jared Leto and Amy Lee complete, Ray Toro, Frank Iero, Hayley Williams and a few others to go).

That's roughly it.. I think...

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Merci Pour le Venim

Again - that's french for 'Thank You for the Venom'. I'm listening to that on repeat, because right now... it's the best comfort that I have. Music is my best friend, and I feel fairly confident that it's true. Music can reach you and heal your heart, and the bands can be there for you without actually being there. Why so much right now? Well - for starters - Ellie's gone. She's off at Oakwood Court College, and I won't see her again until the october half term. As for Tammy... Mum goes off to visit the place that they want to take her. Tomorrow.

So gimme all your poison,
And gimme all your pills
And gimme all your hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!!!!
You're running after something that you'll never kill
If this is what you want, then FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!!

Preach all you want but who's gonna save me?

Love it or leave it - you can't understand!

Love is the red rose on your coffin door
What's life like bleeding on the floor?

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something?
Give me a better cause to lead!
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to BELIEVE!!!

Sister, I'm not much a poet but a criminal
and you never had a chance

I wouldn't front the scene if you PAID ME
I'm just the way that the doctor MADE ME

Hallelujah - LOCK AND LOAD!!!

All of those are quotes from my beloved Thank You for the Venom, and I mean every word. If I ever get fortunate enough to meet My Chemical Romance, as I pray and dream of (It's the only fragile dream that I truly have left), then I would call it a responsibility to tell them at least a fraction of what they mean to me... not that meeting them will ever happen. I'm not that lucky. Life hates me, remember? But still... I can dream...

Saturday, 3 September 2011

"So gimme all your poison, and gimme all your pills, and gimme all your hopeless hearts and MAKE ME ILL!!!"

~ My Chemical Romance, Thank You for the Venom

I guess that I'd better explain myself. I talk of music in such a loving, devoted manner (I think), but I never really say why. I've never said why depressing music keeps me within the furthest realms of sanity. Why I love My Chemical Romance in the way that I do. Well, maybe I've tried to with the latter, but I guess that anyone who reads my blog may be a tad confused and think "Surely depressing music only makes you feel worse..."

Well, it depends on which side of the coin that you're looking at. Yes, depressing music can mke a sad person sadder. It can push some people over the edge. On the flipside, however, depressing music can hold some people together. Like I've said before, Ray is the only member of the four My Chemical Romance members that didn't take drugs or battle an alcohol addiction. Chester Bennington, like I've said before, battled a raging alcohol addiction and struggled. Dave Grohl struggled as his friend and band member, Kurt Cobain, ended his pain and life, but then went of to form the AMAZINGLY popular Foo Fighters, whom are globally loved today. (R.I.P. Kurt, love you) Hayley Williams, as I think I've said before, was picked on badly at school (for her immensely attractive ginger hair, I'd guess) but has now only a few short years later gone on to be the extremely popular Paramore. What is the similar theme among all of these? THEY STRUGGLED. THEY THEN MADE IT OUT.

That's why I love it. I'm struggling. THEY HAD IT ROUGH TOO. Most importanlty...

THEY MAKE ME FEEL UNDERSTOOD.

Sorry, it's not as long as I'd planned, I've gotta get back to packing... D:

Friday, 2 September 2011

My Last Day in Wales

As the title says, this is my last night here, and tomorrow I go home. The day started ok - auntie bobbi needed to go to the doctors, and so did Tempy, and so Melody and I went too, and so shopping followed afterwards. The main highlight was when we couldn't put Tempy's buggy down, and so we had to call uncle Mikey to ask how to do it.

When we got back, it meanmt another trip out, this time to Aberdare, instead of Abercynon, and I must admit, it a was pretty boring there. This evening, however, my aunt and I dyed my hair. Bye bye brunette - I now have a head of BLACK HAIR, and it actually suits me! Overall then, a good day, a good week, and I'm slightly sad that I'm going home tomorrow.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Just a couple of things...

I got a new haircut in Wales! LOVE IT, it's a lot shorter than it was and my fringe's sorted out.

I took Melody down the park, which she loved, even though she didn't like the sweets that I brought and was a tad upset that I couldn't buy her an icecream... and didn't want to leave.

Other than that... fairly uneventful, from my perspective, anyway... but I loved it just the same.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Caerdydd!!! (at least, I think that's how it's spelt...)

I just had a visit to Cardiff today! For those of you that don't know a single crumb of welsh... the title was 'Cardiff' in welsh... think that's how it's spelt, anyway... And this is the closest that I could get the the flag in writing...

Anywhoooo..... Cardiff = AWESOME!!!! I had a great day out, with my aunt, uncle, and cousins Temperance and Melody. I had some spending money, and so bought a couple of things for other people (and a few things with others in mind), and bought some things for myself (and had a few things bpought for me). I am now the proud owner of the 30 seconds to Mars This Is War and the All Time Low Dirty Work albums. And an All Time Low poster (I didn't see any MCR ones D:) I'm slightly pleased with myself as Melody seemed to be happy with the Zingzillas Puzzles that I bought her, and the Hello Kitty inflatable that I bought for all of my cousins to share. Also, I'm lead to believe that my dad will be verrrrry happy with some of the earrings that I got, and think that he shall be borrowing the skull pair a fair bit (with me consent, of course!)

Only one low spot. I'm a little bit annoyed by this. One thing about me - I'm a vegetarian that HATES mayonnaise. But when we went to burger king for lunch, and ordered one of the exceptionally few things that they served that was vegetarian, they drowned the filling in it! They didn't even bother to ask if I wanted it! Normally, even the smell of mayo makes me feel sick! Gah... oh well... c'est la vie...you can't have a completely perfect day... Still brilliant though!

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Aloha from WALES!!!!!!!!!

*skids in sideways, crashes on face*

I IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I wasn't expecting to be able to blog this week, because I is with me family is WALES!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! A whole week of screaming from me darling Melody, Rhonda, Bethany and baby Temperance!!!!!!! Nah, they're angels really.

There isn't much to say really, apart from I AM LOVIN IT HERE!!!! Off to a trip to Cardiff tomorrow, can't wait!I was in Pontypridd earlier, which was cool, had some fun going shopping with my auntie Bobbi and cousin Melody. It was slightly cute yesterday - mum called us and siad how tammy had asked for Kathy and wanted nan to go back to wales! AWW!!!!!!

Friday, 26 August 2011

Thank You For The Venom

Yeah. The title says a lot. Like I've said before, nothing in my life is certain. Take what just happened over the course of today and yesterday - mum was rushed nto A&E again, and now they say it's NOT a heart condition, but they don't know what it is. WHAT THE FUCK???

Now, most people who know me, know that my favourite song is MCR's Welcome to the Black Parade, and my fave album is the album it came from, The Black Parade. Well, it was. Four of my zavvi CDs came today, one of them being Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. I already knew three of the tracks of the album - I'm Not Okay, Helena and Ghost of You. OH MY FUCKING GOD. The album is amazing! Anyway, that's my new favourite album, but my new favourite song I haven't mentioned yet. It's one of thier songs that isn't so widely sung about.

So gimme all your poison
and gimme all your pills
and gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ILL!
You're running after something that you can never kill
if this is what you wanted
THEN FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!!!!

For anyone that didn't know the quote, that was from my new favourite song, Thank You For The Venom. I've said it before, I'll say it again - it's amazing how I can relate to the pain of smebody I've never met, and how they can write down the exact same emotions that you feel. Then again... I have been through some of the same things that they have. The album is dedicated to Elena Lee Rush - Gerard and Mikey's Grandmother. The distress her death gave them lead them to thier drinking and drug addictions (something I have not got, but then again, with what I already have, I REALLY don't need that on top of it!) Idon't know if I've mentioned this on my bog before, but this year my family remembered this 5th anniversary of my grandfather's death. From what I know, and please don't qoute me on this, because I'm not certain, Frank's parent's split up when he was young. Umm... I know it's not quite the same, but my family is being broken apart by the bastards of social services. It's only a couple of things, but we (kind of) share the heartbreak, we're in the same boat, so to speak, (at least, I think) because of some of things that we've both been through.

Right now I've been clinging to music because it's all I've got left, well, that and Kerrang! magazines... the latest issue's quiz competitors were... wait for it... RAY TORO AND FRANK IERO!!!!! They got a pretty good score- 10 out of 15! Thing was... they play in the uk a fair bit, but they didn't know that the british call a sidewalk a 'PAVEMENT'! That made me smile. That and 1. Not knowing a lyric by the band Gerard's wife plays in and 2. NOT KNOWING HOW MANY KERRANG! AWARDS THEY HAD WON!!!!! I was giggling my way through it! But no denying it, Ray was the brainbox!!!!

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Waiting for the End to Come

That's what it feels like. It is most definitely confirmed now, and as it is just a waiting game to find an appropriate placement... my veiws never really mattered... what else am I meant to feel? You try putting yourself in my place, if you can... you wouldn't be thrilled, would you? Even if you argue lots, you don't want them taken away so that they can only come back for organised *spit* VISITS. Home is not a place to VISIT. But of course, it won't BE her home any more... MOTHERFUCKING SOCIAL SERVICES ARE GOING TO STEAL HER FROM ME AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN MOTHERFUCKING DO BECAUSE I'M HER SISTER AND SO WHAT I THINK CAN'T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!!!

... JE POURQUOI?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY MOTHERFUCKING ME??????????????????

I know. I'm losing it with innocent, most-likely nice people reading my blog. But it's my release. My way of letting out the torturing, twisted up feelings of hatred inside of my chest. I can't hold them up in my chest (like I have lots of times before) because I'll explode again. I'll lie or curl up on the floor, scream, bite myself, hit things, kick things, headbutt things... and get a right royal telling off from the bastards at social motherfucking services for not being able to contain my anger and frustration. I'm not superhuman. I'm not wonderwoman. I'm not amazing. I am just... me. A loser with no self restraint, an angry teenager, a distraught sister... I am weak. No, don't look at me in that tone of voice. I'M WEAK. I'm weak and I MOTHERFUCKING KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I fucking don't. I don't like the reprimands. I don't like being told what people think what I should be and what I should do. Put in my situation, would you like it if everyone was a critic and told you to do your best at school, put your 98% IQ to the test and get a sheet of good grades.

I DON'T MOTHERFUCKING CARE ABOUT SCHOOL!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT DOING WELL!!!!!!! I DO CARE ABOUT HAVING MY FAMILY, MY STRONGHOLD, IN ONE FUCKING PEICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course, I can't have that. I can't have the little that I do ask for. I can't have what nearly every child can take for fucking granted.  WHY?

BECAUSE LIFE FUCKING HATES ME!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

ZAVVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAZ SPENT ME VOUCHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*FORCES CALM* Anywhooo... I have bought...
My Chemical Romance - I brought you bullets, you brought me your love (something like that, could not find it ANYWHERE!!!)
My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge (I HAVE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG AND COULDN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Linkin Park - Minutes to Midnight (see footnote above)
Paramore - Riot!
Foo Fighters - Wasting Light (a pressie for Mrs Lawrence)
Black Veil Brides - Set The World on Fire
Bowling for Soup... I can't remember what ones, but two of them, to keep me and dad dueting 195 and girl all the bad guys want!

Monday, 22 August 2011

Sorry I wasn't on yesterday, people, I would normally have been, but my internet spazzed up. But my uncle's fixed it now, and I can post again, and let out my feelings.

It really IS all over now. My mum's heart condition, Troponin T Negative Acute, means that mum can't fight like she was going to. In short, we HAVE to call out surrender. The bastards have won.

One final fight for this tonight
(woah)
With knives and pens we made our phlight

Black Veil Brides, Knives and Pens.

That was our final fight. No more, Tammy goes into residential education. Because I'm the SISTER, not the PARENT, I never really got a voice in it. MY VEIWS NEVER MATTERED! IT'S ONLY MY LIFE THAT THEY'VE FUCKED UP!

Oh well, it's too late now, it's all over.

So much for Never Give In (also BVB)

Never give in, Never back down, Never Give in...

I promise, this is the last BVB quote...

That I won't believe this lie
There must be something more inside

BVB, Sweet Blasphemy.

Friday, 19 August 2011

Wohoo!

MUM IS HOME!!!!!!!!!

She had... is can't remember what it was called, but it was some long-named heart condition (they think) and she has to have a followup appointment or two to be certain.

Also... we got the results of my blood test I had ten days ago... I HAVE NOT GOT ANAEMIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At last... Kerrang! have given me my voucher, mum is home and I definitely don't have anaemia. THANK... not God, he doesn't exist... I don't know. THANK SOMETHING!!!!!!!! I know, I'll thank MY gods.... THANK MCR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Life goes by, Bit by Boring Bit...

Why, oh why, oh fucking why? *Sigh* Mum is still in hospital. That meant that I had to cook the dinner again. Dad and I discussed what would be easy enough for me to do, and something that everyone would like, and we decided on fried eggs, bacon, baked beans, spaghetti, pasta and potato (for those who didn't eat pasta).

Today was spent mostly in the car, as dad delivered his parcels, which obviously was an invitation for Justin.
However, I chased him off with the cooking of the dinner, and he is far from sight now as I have now opened my emails... Kerrang! have sent me my voucher!!!!!!!!! Woohooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, it had been marked as sent, but hadn't been! Itr makes no difference now anyway, I HAVE MY VOUCHER!!!!!!!!!!! I know roughly which albums I'd like, which include the MCR ones which I can't find ANYWHERE, a Linkin Park album that I can't find ANYWHERE, and Foo Fighters album for Mrs Lawrence, to make her feel more appreciated. My happy now, even if most of the day was terrible.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

I don't get it. WHY OH MOTHERFUCKING WHY does it always have to be me? Now mum is ill. Dad had to bring her into A&E, and as Nan is still up in Wales, helping to look after my cousins, he had to bring us with her. We don't know what it is, but I sure as hell (there is a hell, I'm LIVING IN IT!!!!!!!!!) pray that it's nothing serious, because, obviously, I don't want my mum to be ill, and I don't think that I could take any more of my life falling apart. I don't like my life crashing down around my ankles. It's scary. I don't know what is and isn't certain anymore, all I know that if My Chemical Romance hadn't formed, I would be dead. I SERIOUSLY WOULD have committed suicide by now without their music. Fuck, I have tried to, even with their stuff, but most of the time, they have been able to save me from it. They can normally stop me from fucking self harming, but I still lost it enough a couple of times recently to start dragging razors over my wrists. I now have two very clear little pinky-red lines over my left wrist from how I lost control.

Fuck, this is too fucking much. I now have the following to try to sort out in my head;
·        Am I bisexual or heterosexual?
·        Do I have anaemia?
·        Is mum seriously ill or not?
·        Did I cook the dinner well enough tonight?
·        Is my little sister going to get taken away or not?
·        Is everyone okay with what and how I’m saying everything, or am I making some people cry?
·        Is Kerrang! ever going to pull their finger out and get back to me about my voucher?
·        Am I ever going to get rid of Justin?
·        Is Jenny Wauldron ever going to fucking show her face and take the shit that she fully deserves?
·        Can I ever make it up to everyone for how I’ve let them down?
·        Is everyone okay? Do they need me? Somebody always needs me for something?
·        Am I ever going to remember what happiness is?
·        How long is this shit going to go on for, or will I never get out of it? (the latter seems fucking obvious)
·        Is school ever going to get how much I’m struggling to remain in classes?
·        Why don’t school get that if I’ve remained in class to the point that I actually cannot remain in there without chucking myself in under a desk, that simply making me do work elsewhere ISN’T GOING TO MOTHERBLOODYFUCKING WORK?????
… and a lot more… I’M FIFTEEN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY ME?!?!?!??????!!!!!!!!

What WILL it take to show you that it’s NOT THE LIFE IT SEEMS?!?!?!!!!!
I’ve told you TIME AND TIME AGAIN you sing the words but DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
To be a JOKE AND LOOK, ANOTHER LINE WITHOUT A HOOK
I held you close as we both shook
For the LAST TIME,
TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU WEAR ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

….. MCR, I’m Not Okay. I think that says all that I can right now.